I tend to confuse the hell out of people. I don't like to conform just because society mandates it. That new trend with celebrities who live together long term, have kids, raise families and don't get married - I totally get that. In fact, I don't understand why anyone with lots of money, who isn't concerned with the tax breaks and health benefits would want to take the risk of getting married and possibly having to go through a messy and expensive divorce.
I love my husband. I think we're one of the few lucky couples that might actually stay married until death do us part. But I think our commitment to each other does not have a great deal to do with our marriage certificate. Marriages don't mean a whole lot these days, since we've made an art form of breaking them. Your commitment to each other is not strengthened or weakened when you marry these days, it's going to be exactly as strong or as weak as it was beforehand.
I did not change my last name when I got married. In my teens and into my early twenties, I didn't want to ever get married. Even after I met my husband and fell in love, it took a few years for me to come around to the idea of getting married. But I didn't marry him just for the practical reasons like taxes and insurance. Like all the other saps, I fell in love and became smitten with the idea of being married. After all, if it turned out badly, I could just get a divorce. Luckily, I think we've managed pretty well so far. I've met dozens of women who have had to go through the irritation of changing their names multiple times. They get married and change it, get divorced and change it back or not, get married again and change it again. And I know several women who have been married and divorced two and three times. That can result in a lot of name changes over the years. I'm not judging, but changing my name was, and is, not all that appealing. But even more than that, why should I have to change my name? There's no law that says that a woman must change her name when she marries. Thank God (or Hank). It's just one of those patriarchal traditions passed on from eras gone by when the husband purchased his bride, a dowry was exchanged, and the new bride was passed from her father's house to her husband's as so much chattel. I think we should let this tradition fall to the way side with the dowries and chastity belts.
Or if we're going to let tradition be our guide, how 'bout we gander even further back in history to the days when the family names passed through the maternal line, because seriously guys, are you sure that kid's yours? The only way to ensure property and name followed down the blood line was to pass it down the maternal line. Now-a-days we have DNA tests for that (I'm sure there are more than a few women out there actually cursing the genius who came up with that test. Not that DNA tests aren't infinitely valuable in catching murders, proving innocence, making a dead-beat dad pay up. But I'm sure there are those women who would take their baby's true father's identity to their graves.) But even now, you have to ask the question before you get the test. I don't doubt there are more than a handful of dads out there today being duped. That kid may have your last name, but that's all of you that it has. Of course, I don't mean you! Your wife would never do that to you . . . right?
The reality is, though, that keeping your maiden name is not without it's frustrations. People don't know what to make of it. The schools and doctors are confused because my name is different than my children's, who have Blackstone's last name. I decided to let that one go, since our two boys are the only two boys to carry on the family name in this generation, yada, yada, yada. Whatever. I only carried them in my body for nine months and gave birth to them, why should they carry my name? We discussed giving them my last name as a middle name, but they ended up with the Americanized version, because our two French last names strung together was like a punishment. Then there was the former classmate's husband who told his wife that I couldn't be the person she went to high school with because I was married. Hello? Twenty-First Century calling? And then there are the people who know us through me and think my husband's last name is the same as mine, so we get stuff addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Diosa. I love when that happens. It's only fair.
I have a friend who married and changed her name and since has had second thoughts about it. She hates when people address mail to Mr. and Mrs. Jones because it's sexist. I get it. It is sexist. So is the society we live in. I know I've caused people eminent confusion when they get to us on their Christmas card list and try to figure out how to address the envelope. I don't much care how they do it, just so long as they don't expect me to change my name. Our return address reads: The Diosa and Blackstone Family. I'm trying to help them out. When in doubt, refer to the return address.
One woman I knew professionally kept her maiden name until her oldest child turned six. At that point he asked her, "Don't you want to be a part of our family, mom?" She relinquished and changed her name, at which point everyone started congratulating her on her marriage, because why else would she be changing her name? It annoyed her no end. I have no intention of changing mine. Ever. If my kids ever ask about it, they better be prepared for my long-winded explanation on the sexist culture we live in and how I expect them to treat women as equals and be better than society teaches them.
P.S. I just ordered the above T-shirt from Mental Floss. Don't you just love it? Go on, buy one. We can start a club. Polly, Dol - remember we had the matching shirts way back when? Isn't it time for new ones?
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