I know there was a time in my adolescence when I wasn't comfortable with my body. And there have been several times since, like the year or so following each of my pregnancies when I felt fat and like my weight was out of my control. But by and large, I've been comfortable with my ass since I was a teenager.
I've been reading Embracing Your Big Fat Ass, courtesy of Bookgirl. It's a very comical read and its got a great message. It's not about condoning morbid obesity or anything crazy like that, but is about self-acceptance and self-esteem. You must have that first and foremost. If you can accept yourself, love your body, then chances are, keeping yourself in a healthy state will follow. It's not important that you be a size 2, probably not even healthy or reasonable. It is important that you take care of yourself. A message it would seem many women could use to hear these days. You watch the news today and it looks like most of us have gone to one extreme or another, insanely starving ourselves or vomiting in the name of beauty and fashion, or throwing in the towel and gorging on greasy take-out and chips and cookies by the bag, washed down with a 2 liter of Coke. Again, I'll insert my constant message of finding the middle ground here. I swear it applies to everything and every situation.
I could not agree with BFAB's (Beautiful Fat Ass Babes) Laura Banks and Janet Barber more on their view of diets. What we do to ourselves in our quest to become thin has nothing to do with being healthy. Starving yourself to the point of passing out, binging and purging, maniacal exercising - there's nothing healthy about it. And you'd be hard pressed to find a woman these days who hasn't at some point subjected herself to some form of this torture trying to lose weight. I remember fasting for periods in high school. There were weeks when I only ate once a day. I tried purging once with ipecac. Once was enough for me, Bulimia was definitely not my thing. I found myself vomiting with a group of friends on a golf course. Yes, a golf course. I don't know what the hell we were doing there. The scary thing to me is not that I did this, but that I think it's rather normal for a girl to experiment with such measures for managing her weight these days. At this point in my life, I refuse to enter the hunger stage that is the headache, which most diets would require of me. I'm sure you know that stage. It's past the hunger pains, past the point where the hunger pains have subsided, and that's when the headache starts to set in. You're blood sugar is dropping, you're tired and cranky and hungry, yet not hungry anymore. You can't really think all that clearly. I don't have the time or energy for putting myself through that anymore. It's just not healthy and I need all the energy I can muster to get through the day. Honestly, just have a snack already. Just don't let it be a donut or a candy bar.
The funny thing about me is, that with all the struggle I've had with my weight, I've never really had a self-esteem problem. I've always thought I had a great ass. A big ass, no doubt, but a nice round one. There is the running story in my family that there must be black genes in our family history somewhere, because the backside some of us sport, well, it's just not a white booty. Blackstone and I were watching Hustle and Flow after it came out on DVD. The opening scene is a bunch of strippers back stage, naked or mostly naked. And Blackstone turned and said to me, "Gee, you really do have a black ass." Yeah, tell me something I don't know. But I consider it a blessing, not a curse. Black women do have the best asses, well, them and Hispanic women, in my opinion.
I know that I do suffer from a bit of body dysmorphia. I look in the mirror and I see what I want to see. Some women suggest not using a scale and just judging by how your clothes fit to see if you're eating too much. I can't do that. I have to step on a scale. I will ignore the way my clothes fit. I will look in the mirror and I will not see what is actually staring back at me. This is true when I lose weight too. The only reality check for me besides the scale, is pictures. I look at pictures of myself at my heaviest and my lightest and it's hard for me to remember being that size, that person. Because that has never been the person I saw in the mirror.
At 5'3" and size 12, that puts me about smack dab in the middle of average when it comes to size in this country. A little short maybe, and that's always been a thorn in my side. I couldn't even be a plus size model because I'm too short (not that I ever wanted to be a model, plus size or otherwise, but still, that doesn't mean I don't want to have the option). And there ain't a damn thing I can do about that. Couldn't be a Rockette either, and no amount of dieting is going to make me taller. And is 12 considered plus size or isn't it? Because I've never really been clear on that one. But honestly, don't even bother, because what's a size 12 in one clothing line is no 12 in another. In some lines I'm a 10, in others a 14. In every line, everything is too long. And a petite section that didn't look like it was entirely designed for little old women, that would be nice. I just have everything altered.
I just see myself when I look in the mirror, but when I start unbuttoning my pants in the car, I know it's time to switch to water and fruit over lattes and godiva.
Posted by: Polly Poppins | June 18, 2008 at 02:02 PM
I almost never drink lattes, and my candy of choice is peppermint patties for a chocolate fix, low fat and all. I keep my eating relatively regimented. The occasional splurge at parties, sepcial occasions or when I need it. I rarely eat out. The holidays, big changes in my life, higher stress periods, throw me off. But I've learned to recover quickly.
I do have one pair of pants that I unbutton occasionally. They're the exact same size as another pair I own (12 petite, Gap), but for some reason they're smaller.
Posted by: Diosa | June 18, 2008 at 03:28 PM
My husband is an ass man...(thank goodness for me and my B cups!). Being Hispanic I have always appreciated my ass...you Diosa are a hispanic mans dream!!!!Big ass and blue eyes oh my!
Posted by: Curls | June 18, 2008 at 04:03 PM
Curls - that is why I haven't been back to Mexico.
Posted by: Diosa | June 19, 2008 at 09:59 AM