Change is Good

I'm trying to remind myself lately that change is good. Truth be told, change kind of scares the hell out of me. As soon as some big change presents itself in my life, I have to analyze all the horrible ramifications this change could bring with it. Change can be incredibly good. I realize this. And if you lose the ability to roll with the changes in your life, then you might as well roll over and die. I'm working on embracing change, encouraging change. I want to like change. I also want to be able to breathe. Remember to breathe. Change is good. In the Anne Rice novels, that's what often kills vampires if memory serves me. If you stop being able to adjust to changing times, new trends, new societies, new lifestyles, new centuries, once a vampire began to shut themselves off from the world - they were barely alive any more, just a shell of a living, or rather undead, thing. Embrace the change. Breathe. Yes, I'm reminding myself. I do not want to be the shell of a living thing.

Life is not always kind. Even many of the good changes in my life just about caused me to lose my mind while I was going through them, or even more precisely, preparing to go through them. Moving out of the home of my childhood, getting married, changing careers, my two pregnancies, buying a home - I lost sleep, cried inconsolably, drank heavily (except over the pregnancies, I'm a bit mental, but not stupid), and eventually was able to breathe again. All of these changes in my life were for the better, and I wanted all of them, at least eventually. I cried an entire day the first time I found out I was pregnant, that was a difficult change to embrace. One I was not ready for and did not want to be ready for. But that's how I roll. I think I needed to get the postpartum depression out of the way early. Other people lose their minds over how unbelievably difficult the effects of the change are. They had no notion it was going to be so hard, so stressful, so draining. I lose my mind over how potentially difficult the change I'm considering might possibly be. Once the effects hit, they're never as bad as what I've already steeled myself against. And if they are, there's generally a contingency plan in place.

Now change when things have not been going well, that's easier to accept and get on board with. The change we need in Washington right now, I'm totally down for that. The only stress I have over that is considering the outside possibility that we won't get it. But change when things at status quo are good, that's a little more difficult. Buying a home when you've been comfortable in your apartment for a few years, that's a big change. One you don't necessarily need to make. But sometimes even change when things are bad, that can be rough too. Teaching left me in not a good state mental health wise, but shelving my degree, going further into financial debt and being unemployed made it worse. Kind of had to walk through fire to get to the clean air on the other side.

When Blackstone decided to quit his state job and go into business for himself, that was quite a big change for us. It was something we weren't quite prepared for when he had to make a choice in the matter. He ended up having to fight even for his right to go into private practice and continue working in his field, which he won luckily, because wouldn't that have put us in a pickle. I remember being at the ethics hearing one morning, sick with worry and also nauseous with morning sickness. The whole ordeal had come to a head in a way no one had seen coming, and before we realized that perhaps the timing of planning to have a second child might not be the best at the moment. All that worked out. Change is good . . . . I also still can't get over how terribly wrong it could have gone.

Any way, it looks like there's more change coming, whether I want it or not. I really know it's going to be for the best, except for all the obsessing over the infinite ways it could be horrible.

Comments

[Polly Poppins]

I remember the movie, "Playing God," with the guy from X-Files. There's a part where X-Files guy has been abducted and he doesn't know where he is and this guy walks up to him. The conversation goes something like this.

X-FG: Are you going to hurt me?
Other guy: Do you want me to?
X-FG: I'm just trying to plan my day.

That's how I feel about change. It really dinks around with my ability to plan my day. And I'm heavily invested in my day having a plan. So I feel for you. I really do.

[Curls]

I actually enjoy change. I think being a military brat has influenced this. Every three years from the time I was seven we moved- new town, new house, new room, new school, and new friends. I think change is great, I fear monotony, I fear getting stuck. As I've described in the past I am always itching for something-anything to get me excited. Having said this I am always amazed by how much little control I have over some of the changes that occur in my life. I recently got diagnosed with neurogical lyme disease- the meds make me sicker so I went from over extending myself for family functions, school events, trying to plan girl nights, date nights, scrap nights thinking all week of how I was going to plan the funnest craftiest weekend possible for my kids to not being able to get my head off the pillow in the morning..or the afternoon...or the evening some days. The doctors said I will be out of work for the next one to two months- the meds will get stronger and make me sicker. I know I will get through this- I have gotten through much worse and I am grateful that it is me and not one of my kids, or other loved ones that is going through this. That would be much worse. So change is good. At first I was angry that I had to deal with this- but I am starting to figure out what can a girl do when she can’t plan her day and has no energy?
I have a new plan for the next two months- I am going to read a lot of books in the next two months, and watch a lot of classic movies that I have never seen. I am going to scrapbook everything! I will actually watch the debates this year and I look forward to the change this country needs. I have played memory with my son a million times, and made new CDs for my daughter to dance to in her room. I can do all of this while sitting down. I just subscribed to a preschool magazine that claims to be full of crafts- ha! So excited! Change is good- it makes life interesting!

[Diosa]

Polly, yeah, I know it's not so bad. I can see that when I get my head on straight. This change may even be fantastic.

Curls, your grace and optimism are inspiring. Your attitude alone will get you far and speed in your recovery, I'm sure. And please, let me know if I can be of any help.