The Left Side of the Moon

The Truth

Time to blog has been issue for me lately. An issue I can contribute to many things: the job change last year, my kids, my husband's crazy work schedule, Weeds, True Blood. One does need the time to screw off now and then. Honestly, after an eight hour day, karate, baseball or what-have-you, dinner, homework, maybe baths, story time (each boy separately), I can barely string a coherent thought together, let alone a blog post.

But there's another reason, too. My mind is consumed with too many problems I'd rather not write about. Well, the programming database stuff for one, which I'm sure you'd all rather I just left out altogether. But often it's those problems I'm working on at work that are consuming any brain resources that are left. It's always a struggle to get my hours in and when I do, I'm always trying to get a little over time. Though there is the possibility I may be getting salaried, which I have mixed feelings about. I'm nervous about the rest of this year and next. What it will mean for my husband's business and our incomes. I want the professionalism and consistency of the salary, but I'm nervous about losing the OT. Which leads into what is mostly clogging my brain, and that's worry over money.

If I could only rest assured that the companies and individuals that owe my husband money would pay their bills, then maybe I could relax a little bit. But when you see formerly solid and solvent companies laying off their staff and not paying their bills, it makes it difficult to think about anything else. We've made it halfway through 2009, and so far so good. On the one hand I'm counting my lucky stars, on the other I'm noticing there are fewer stars than I'm comfortable with. All the financial forecasts seem to be pointing towards a start in the upswing of the economy starting at some point next year. All we have to do is get through another six months or so, and we'll have managed to weather the storm, right? Except I don't necessarily believe them. What else are they going to say? Even if it's true that we still haven't seen the bottom of the hole yet, you can't tell the general public that. It will cause panic and make everything even worse.

I think a lot of it hinges on health care and whether they can get a bill passed. Health care is bankrupting us. I've never had to put my medical bills on payment plans before this year. But a sinus ultrasound and endoscopy that hit our $4,000 deductible kind of threw me for a loop. Again, I'm lucky. My company picked up half of it. It was still $2,000 I wasn't prepared to pay right after switching jobs and thus health insurance. And changing the job wasn't really an option. Not that there hasn't been some good come of it. The new job is good. My old company was bought out a month ago. Another small business gone under in 2009. It had survived the tech burst years back, but unfortunately not this recession. The recession that I'm sure they'll tell us next year was actually a depression.

Once we get through the summer, though, our child care costs will decrease, so that will be a relief. Thank goodness for full day kindergarten finally being made official for next year. Not early enough for me to send the kids to camp for the summer, but better than not happening at all. I can't lay the nanny off for the summer and expect her to come back in September.

These are the thoughts that are so frequently clogging my brain lately. Thoughts that don't keep me up at night yet, because I'm much too exhausted to worry at that point. But thoughts that are none too productive for my writing and creativity. Somehow I find the stress stifling lately.

Of Course You Do

Trouble: Feel my backpack. It's really heavy.

Adult: Wow, that is really heavy. What do you have in there?

Trouble: Rocks.

The End of an Era

Tomorrow is LT's last day of pre-school. LT spent two years at this pre-school, Trouble also spent two years at this pre-school. We have spent four years with the same wonderful group of teachers. The boys have loved their time there, and I am sad to see it come to a close. Much sadder than they, I'm sure. Trouble moved on three years ago, so it's of no consequence to him now. Though he's been jealous as all get out that LT gets to play all the time at school, go swimming on Fridays, when he has to work all day. He'd go back to pre-school in a heart beat if you let him. LT can't wait to go to kindergarten. He's way too excited to be one of the big boys to miss his beloved pre-school. He will miss it, though. I know he will, even if he's too excited to see it.

I already have LT's yearbook and report card. I won't be dropping him off or picking him up tomorrow. My final trip to the pre-school has been made. Somehow this mile stone is much more bitter sweet for me than so many others. I couldn't wait to stop nursing. I threw out the last bottle with glee, did a dance for joy when the diapers came off and diaper pail sat on the street, was thrilled to have spent the last dollar ever on pull ups. The sippy cups are still sitting in my cupboard, though I'm ready to toss them, and will be thrilled to rid myself of those stupid spigots, every cup with a different one, somehow I can never find the right one for the cup I'm trying to use.

Babyhood aggravation be gone! I do not miss their baby days. I do not have baby lust.

I am so glad to have my two little boys, riding bikes (LT's just learned the two-wheeler this week. Skipped training wheels altogether.) and playing baseball. It's so much easier, so much more fun than the sleep deprivation, spit up, diapers and mastitis.

LT's made so much progress in the last two years, it's utterly remarkable to me. He was so little last year, and shy, clinging to my legs when I dropped him off in the mornings. There's been none of that this year. He's a big boy now. He knows his colors, finally, and most of his letters. Can count to thirty without too many mistakes. He's yards ahead of where Trouble was at this point, which is such a relief. I'm sure some of that is due to being a younger sibling and watching as his brother learn his letters, and paying attention as we practice spelling words. Still, reading and writing has been such an uphill battle with Trouble, it's nice to see him progressing without the fighting, complaining, obstinance and tears. And Trouble has been progressing too. He finally met his language testing benchmark a few weeks ago, for the first time EVER! It's really been a big year for them. They're still my little boys, but they're not quite so little anymore.

Somehow saying good-bye to their pre-school years, that time when they're so full of energy, so happy, learning and growing so fast, making their first friends, really becoming their own little person, is not all that joyful. Realizing that they're growing out of that stage is much harder for me. Now I want them to slow down a little. I want them to stop growing up and maturing quite so fast. I don't want to see that glint of innocence go out of their eyes too soon. They're not teenagers yet, but somehow it's starting to seem much closer on the horizon than I'd realized.