The Left Side of the Moon

The Woman of the House

I don't like to rely on my husband for much of anything. Not that he isn't reliable, I just hate not being able to handle things by myself. I pity those women who came generations before me, who hadn't the slightest clue how to manage the financial aspects of their lives if and when they were widowed. If one of us were to die tomorrow (god forbid) chances are he'd be much more lost than me. I just don't think it's even within me to hand over that much control over my life to someone, anyone, else.

I feel this way in my parenting as well. I made a deal with myself eight years ago. I would NEVER be the mother to say to my kids, "Just wait until your father gets home!"

Maybe you're one of these women. I don't mean any disrespect. But for me, some how it just signals to your kids that they've won. Mom's given in, she's not the boss. And how often does dad actually DO anything when he gets home? Oh, there may be a bit of yelling, but seriously, whatever. I remember thinking that as a kid too. Well, if that's all you got, that's really lame. My respect just dropped ten points. Maybe we're in negative numbers now. We're probably inventing new, imaginary negative numbers. Actually, forget the numbers. It's probably better represented by a formula where the limit is approaching negative infinity. The punishment was always way worse when mom inflicted it herself. Those times she was just too tired, or just didn't have the energy, those were the times she'd resort to the old standby. And I'd climb the stairs, rolling my eyes, thinking, "Yeah, I know. Just wait. I'm in for it now." I'd have to physically restrain the snickering.

So when I gave into the idea of being a mother, I promised myself that those words would never cross my lips. And in eight years, they never have. Blackstone likes to jump in every now and then when he feels one of the kids is disrespecting me in front of him. I have seriously conflicting feelings about this, though I've never discussed it with him. I appreciate he wants the kids to respect me, I also know that he's not doing me any favors by trying to demand they respect me. There's only one person who can make them respect me, and that's me. I don't really feel he's doing me any harm though, so I just let him. The boys know how it is when we're mono e mono. They know who the boss is, and they don't need dad there to coax them on who it is.

Not that the boys and I don't have our moments. Believe me. We HAVE our moments. I don't call them Trouble for nothing. But I always face them head on. No cop outs. No excuses. No giving in. They lose their allowance. They have friends sent home. They get punished with extra chores. They get time outs. They sit on my office floor while I work. They, on occasion, get spanked. They have their treats taken away. They have video games and TV taken away. I can get real creative. When I'm at a serious loss, I'll take a moment, breathe deeply, and channel Bree Van de Kamp. Go ahead and laugh. It keeps me strong, I swear. And not once have I ever backed down. They WILL listen to ME. They will not have to have their father tell them do it. They will do it because I demand it of them.

Does this make a good parent? Who the hell knows. I'm sure I'm giving them my own personal brand of dysfunction. There's never any way around that. But I will get through this parenting thing, do my damndest to look in the mirror at the end of every day, and know that I stayed true to myself, did the best I possibly could by them and by me.

Life By Automation

I'm finding more and more, I want things in my life automated. Maybe it has something to do with my profession and the way so many of the procedures I write are scheduled to run automatically. Obviously, it has quite a bit to do with how technology is always improving and there are more opportunities for doing this. Regardless, the more of my mundane, repeating, monotonous chores I can arrange to happen without my having to do anything, the better.

I spend a great deal of time online. I work online, so it's all day at work already, but I also take advantage of many of the ways doing things online can save you time and errands. I've done my banking online for years. I have the large majority of my bills scheduled to be paid automatically so I don't have to do it myself. I develop my photos online. I do my grocery shopping online. I do a good chunk of my other shopping online too. I've never been a great fan of actually shopping. I don't have much patience for it. The trying on clothes. All the people. The parking. And if i have to bring my kids, forget it. Chances are I don't want or need it that bad. I purchase my music online, reserve and renew my library books. Hell with my Kindle, I don't even have to get on the computer. I can have a new book at my fingertips in minutes without even getting out of bed. Technology rocks.

It doesn't just end with the computer though. Is there anything better than direct deposit? And a coffee pot you program to start brewing before you get out of bed in the morning? And the programmable thermostats, so you can have the heat go down after you go to bed, and come on and warm up the house before you get up in the morning? And exactly how did we live before the DVR? I'm in love with my automatic garage door openers right about now. I have the weather forecast delivered to my phone every morning. I know it's not just me enjoying how technology can make your life a little more pleasant. Hell, a lot more pleasant.

Christmas, for me, is a prime example of where technology and automation reign supreme. I enjoy the spirit of the holidays, the decorations, the food. Most of the time I don't feel it's worth the hastle, though. To that end, I try to make the process as painless as possible for myself. I have a fake prelit tree. I generally end up putting up the tree and almost every last, blessed decoration myself. If I'm not going to be a raving bitch by the time I'm done, it better not be anymore taxing than it absolutely has to be. Even then, I'm going to resemble the Grinch much more closely than Martha Stuart by the time I'm done. I like it to be done, I just HATE the doing. I wish I was one of those moms with the cocoa, Christmas music, smiling away in blissful euphoria while I was at it. Nah, scratch that. I don't even want to be like that. I just want to sit and drink the cocoa, preferable spiked, and listen to the music while someone else does the dirty work. And is dirty freaking work. Digging out those dusty totes. Battling the dust bunnies while plugging everything in. The endless pine needles. The horrible, itchy scratches on your hands from putting up the tree. Yeah, Christmas joy my ass.

The Christmas decorating in it's entirety generally takes me one full day. It's all I'm wiling to devote to it. I know, some of you space the whole thing out. Tree one day, wreaths and candles another, etc. I don't have the patience for that. I need it done and over with, and all the crap put away. And once I'm done, I want to be done and not have to think about it anymore. So a couple of years ago I bought light sensored candles for the windows. This way I don't have to worry about turning them on and off every day. Small tasks like that drive me insane. Only problem is one window that gets too much light from inside and doesn't go on when the lamp is on. I'm thinking next year I'll move the lamp. This year, I put my Christmas tree on a timer. Also fabulous. Genius concept that I don't have to crawl under the tree every night to turn it on. Some inventions are worth their weight in gold.

Smart is Back

The day has finally come, and I'm so overjoyed that we no longer have to endure GW and now have President Obama. It's almost hard to accept that it's reality. You crave something so desperately for eight long years, and in the mean time drudge on day after day, watching people you despise run our country into the ground and when it finally ends, it's almost hard to breathe. I keep waiting for someone to come and snatch it away. It's too good to be true. It's hope and intelligence, reason and compassion personified. I sporadically found tears of joy and relief running down my cheeks in the past week. The passion with which this country has embraced our 44th President is nothing short of awe inspiring. The shear number of people that descended on Washington this week, with not even a hope of actually seeing the President in person, but just to be there in the midst of this historic event, even if they had to watch it on a big screen television at the mall, now that's really saying something.

Of course, we can't expect Obama to turn this mess around in a few months. He is a human being, not a magician. I completely understand that. But just to have a President that can speak to people, speak and sound intelligent, speak and really reach people, oh at the moment, that's a really nice feeling. I hear he even wrote his own inauguration speech. *Sigh* I'm in love. The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, spring is in the air. . . Well, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but at least there is hope in my soul and a happiness in my heart while NE is plunged into the worst deep freeze of a winter we've had in a decade.

I threw an inauguration party. It just had to be done. I bought a life size cut out of Obama and we took pictures with him and played pin the sticker on Obama. We also played pin the shoe on bush. Curls did a great job putting that one together. And we had a Bush pinata filled with Dum-Dums, toy soldiers and horses. They were selling actual Bush pinatas, but they looked nothing like him, so I bought a cowboy pinata and taped his face to it. Worked out great.

My boys both have t-shirts that read, "Smart is Back" and on the back "Obama 2008." They wore them to the party and school yesterday. I'm thinking they'll be great for 4th of July too. Blackstone and I have t-shirts too. Somehow my woman's large felt more like a woman's medium to me, though. That and my tight jeans landed me some not so flattering pictures. On the bright side, perfect motivation to take off those holiday pounds and then some. Pictures like that are almost enough to turn me anorexic. I'm too smart and hungry for that, however. I just ramp up the workout schedule and cut the calories dramatically. I know I'm doing it right when I eat just enough that I don't want to gnaw off my arm and wake up starving every morning. This lately lands me eating oatmeal and drinking chocolate soy milk at 6:45 AM and watching news coverage of Obama while tears run down my face. A very heart healthy start to 2009.

The Year in Review

I could spend some time marveling at how the year flew. I won't. It always does, so lets get on with it.

No one in my immediate family died or divorced, so that was nice. My parents even renewed their vows.

We almost made it through the year without the police being summoned to the house. Almost. Made it all the way to December before Trouble ran away and was escorted home by the police. Now, if I can only manage to break him of his new found klepto ways, maybe we won't have another visit next month.

Neither of the boys required a trip to the emergency room. No broken bones, no stitches. A serious miracle to say the least. Of course, Blackstone did manage to scratch his cornea and I had to spend endless ours in the ER with him one Friday night.

I got a new job for the first time in eight years. Big move for me. Now I work in the used automotive parts industry. Still doing web development, of course. And also getting some experience working on internal MS SQL applications, which is great. Actually kind of a good industry to be in at the moment. The cost of scrap has tanked and new car sales are down which means there will be an increasing demand for used auto parts next year. It gives me a little peace of mind in this economy, which is more than the majority of Americans can say.

Mostly, as 2008 draws to a close, I'm so looking forward to Obama taking office. I know that 2009 promises in many ways to bring more economic downfall, a higher unemployment rate, more home foreclosures. I am thankful to not currently be one of the many, many people worried if they will still be employed in the coming months. I am, however, a bit worried about my husband's business. So far, he's winded this storm well, but how many companies that owe him money will go bankrupt and not be able to pay him for work he's done in past months? No one is immune to our current economic struggles. Even cautious, frugal, college graduates like ourselves, who knew better than to buy a home with a variable rate mortgage we wouldn't be able to afford.

But in spite of the bleakness that surrounds us everywhere, there is hope that things will turn around. Obama, with his promise of hope, one that I fully believe he will achieve, will be there to lead us through this terrible time. Through what at the very least will be a continuation of this recessesion, and may be, may already be, a depression. I believe there is no better person to lead us through, to  help turn our economy, our schools, our health care system around.

So lets welcome 2009 in with a gusto we haven't had since 2000. Because every year since Bush has been elected, ringing in a New Year with the biggest dumb ass to ever grace the White House in office has been rather bitter sweet for me. I look forward to 2009 with more happiness, brighter eyes, and lighter heart than I've had in a decade.

Happy New Year! And Good Riddance Bush! Please, let the door hit you on the way out. I'm not close enough to throw my shoes.

Slacking

Yeah, I've been slacking over here, when it comes to the blog anyway. In real life I've been working hard and playing hard. Went to NY to see the Rockettes. Totally amazing. Saw the Twilight movie on my birthday. Totally fun, but not as good as the book. Tends to be the way that goes. I've been out dinner more times than my wallet can really handle it, especially on top of the Chritmas shopping. I've placed the order for the Christmas Cards. I'm working on organizing the pictures to get the new calendar together. And spending more time than I should on Facebook. And I'm cooking dinner for 12 tomorrow. And I'd better not be getting another god damn sinus infection. The ENT tellls me I need surgery. I have a deviated septum, a polyp blocking each of my sinus passages and a cyst. So basically, my sinuses are F$@#!-ed. I'm going to see a homeopath at the end of December to seek an alternative, but surgery may be on the horizon for the New Year. I seriously hope it can be avoided, but we'll see. I can't have six of these damn things a year.

Happy Thanksgiving! Here's hoping you hear the Thanksiving song at least once and your turkey's not dry.

Kisses,

Some Days Are Just a Special Kind of Hell

A week without our nanny tends to throw us into chaos. We've never had to endure a week when we didn't have forewarning. We only had a few days warning before the trial started, and none of us seemed to have any idea it would take this long, except possibly the lawyer, but he didn't do a very good job sharing. My mother has been wonderful, completely bailing us out. But I've felt very guilty about taking up so much of her time, and I know she's not been feeling that well, so today, I asked my niece to come down. I gave her all the directions and instructions, everything was supposed to be settled.

This morning just got off to a bad start. I was running a few minutes late. I drive the boy from down the street who goes to the same pre-school as LT to school in the morning. I'm going there anyway, and his mother has class and can't do it herself. It is a special kind of torture having someone else's kid to deal with in the morning when you're trying to get out of the house. Today he got LT all riled up, forgot his back pack at the house and I had to turn around and go get it, smooshed a nutri-grain bar on the back seat of my car, and generally tried my patience in every way.

It was in the midst of turning around and heading back to the house that my niece called to tell me her boyfriend's car wouldn't start and she couldn't get down here this morning. I'm not quite sure how successful I was in trying not to berate the neighbor's child at this moment. I was seeing white spots. I took a deep breath, retrieved the back pack and brought the kids to school, all the while reminding myself that the kid absolutely grating every frazzled nerve was not mine and I could not beat him. Then I called my husband to see what help he could possibly offer because this is the first month at the new job and I am trying, at this point, to at least not make a bad impression when it comes to all this personal crap. He says he will go get the niece and drive her down and pick LT up from school early, since she won't have a car. This will work. I still have to leave work earlier than I was planning to drive Trouble to basketball practice and one of us has to drive her back at night, but at least I can go to work.

It's at this point I hit the construction detour. Now, I knew there would be a detour. I had hit it the day before and somehow managed to get around it, though I don't know how. And I'd printed some directions that someone in HR had emailed out. I get out the directions and immediately can't follow them, so instead I decide to follow the truck detour, because that's the only detour they seem to have marked. This takes me on a fifteen minute detour around a pond through the back woods of nowhere. I get to the T-intersection that says, "End of Detour" and haven't the foggiest idea of which way to turn. Of course, I guess wrong, and this sends me on another ten minute detour. Now, I need a drink, and it's not even ten in the morning. I have to call my boss and tell him that I got lost. Really, tremendous impression I'm making.

I get home just in time to get Trouble to basketball practice where I sit in a freezing gymnasium where the florescent lights and dozens of thumping balls and screaming kids are doing nothing for the headache I've developed. The boys, when I get home, are bouncing of the walls.  After dinner, LT takes one of those go-gurt tubes, and sprays it all over his brother, the couch and the wall. That lands him in time-out where he sits wailing. Blackstone has decided to take a shower after his day in the field, only to find a deer tick, Stand-By-Me-Style, to cap off our day.

The Tree Affair

Our nanny has been suing her neighbor for years now, because he/she cut down her tree. Over the past few years, there have periodically been hearings about said tree, but the trial regarding the tree began last Wednesday. Yes, last Wednesday. And today would be Monday, and the trial continues tomorrow. Honestly, it never occurred to me the trial over a tree would last days, possibly weeks. Good god, no wonder lawyers make so much money. Everything takes so long.

Apparently, there is some dispute over where exactly, the property line is. There have been surveyors and witnesses called to testify. From what I understand, at this point she has presented her side of the case, now the defendant has to prevent theirs. This is likely to go on all week. The tree is starting to annoy me.

I know our nanny feels that her neighbor is trying to take advantage of her. A foreign woman, living alone, might appear to be an easy target to knock around. She needs to take a stand for herself. Maybe the neighbor thought the tree was on his/her property. I don't know. All I know is this tree is miles from my house, or at least it was, several years ago, and it's turning my life into complete chaos.

My mother has been coming down to watch the kids while I'm at work. I'm less than a month into the new job and I'm trying not to let this interfere too much. I've just broached my niece about coming down here to watch the kids the rest of the week, which might be do-able. However, she comes with her boyfriend since he's the one with the car and her six-month-old baby. It makes me just slightly nervous. But my options are starting to run thin. This will mean adding her to the list of people authorized to pick-up LT from pre-school, providing directions and instructions for his pick-up, as well as Trouble's from the bus stop. And should I ask them to bring the boys to karate, or should I just plan on skipping it this week? Trouble's already missing cub scouts tonight because I forgot to tell my mother to have him home for it. Oh, well. I did book an appointment with an ENT, book a chimney sweep (3 weeks out, ugh!), and I'm well into my search for a housekeeper. Have I mentioned I've been having trouble finding the time to clean my house lately? The weekend was a blur. Blackstone spent all day Saturday at a conference while I cooked, cleaned, interviewed a cleaning woman, and dealt with the kids. Sunday, I worked all day. I took some side work from my old boss. And Blackstone went to visit his dad, who has just had a hip replacement to replace the first replacement from fifteen years ago.

If it weren't for the fact that we love the pre-school LT is at, and that there is no bussing or extended care for him where he is, I'd seriously consider putting him a pre-school/day care facility. This is starting to get annoying. But he has less than a year left, it's his second year, it's where Trouble went to pre-school, these teachers have known him since he was born. I can't just go and change that now. It's only until June, and I think at that point I'm enrolling the boys in day camp full-time for the summer. Then, since our district has full-day kindergarten, they'll both be full-time next year. And they love Nanny and she adores them. And the woman, in three years, has never once called out sick. She's only been late once. The woman's amazing. She's also a little crazy over her tree, or what may or may not have been her tree.

I like my life with a certain amount of crazy in it. Really, I do. But this god damn tree. It's driving me over the edge.

What Day is it Again?

How is the new job going? Well, but adjusting to clocking a 40 hour week is definitely taking it's toll on me. I was working more of a 35-ish work week. I had it good. I knew I had it good and moving on to another job would be much more demanding on me. It's a big part of the reason I've stayed put the last eight years. I was rather hoping I'd be able to stay put for another year or so, until LT was in school all day, but alas, that was not to be. The new place is willing to give me some flexibility, but I'm used to being salaried. There's definitely a heightened sense of time when you're being paid hourly, punching a clock, and trying to make a good impression.

Add on to that the karate lessons, sports classes, cub scouts, homework, housework, dinner, laundry, birthday parties, and the fact that my husband works like a 60 hour week and I'm home with the kids alone at least two nights a week, and those 5 hours make a big difference. All of the sudden, blogging, reading and exercising have gotten more difficult. And seriously, during the week, forget about cooking. My husband's gone half the time anyway and the kids would much rather eat chicken nuggets anyway. I'll make due with a frozen dinner, protein shake, or humus and crackers, anything as long as it's washed down with a beer or glass of wine.

I had to cancel my PT appointment last month because it conflicted with both the kids schools' open houses and Blackstone had a meeting. I had to cancel my hair appointment this month because I couldn't see taking two hours out of work the first week at a new job. Hello gray, not so nice to see you again. Next month screw it, I'm taking the time. And I got a sitter for the PT appointment tonight, because another month and my body will be screaming at me. 40 hours at desk is not good for your body. And i've already requested a keyboard tray for my desk at work. The position I've been sitting typing at is very uncomfortable. My desk was definitely not designed for a short person. The tray came in today and I'm hoping it gets installed soon because my elbows are not happy. I've already suffered through one shot of cortisone in the wrist, and I really don't want carpal tunnel. Short of the epidural, that was the largest needle I've ever had the displeasure of being jabbed with.

So that's where I've been. My head it spinning. I can't wait until the new job settles into a comfortable humdrum, but that's probably not going to happen for another month or so at least. I just found the coffee maker today. I was excited to learn that our district now has all full day kindergarten. So another year and I won't be paying crazy money for child care and trying to work from home occasionally to off-set the cost. There is a light at the end of this tunnel and I can almost see it. But at the moment, I still feel like I'm running in the dark, trying desperately to avoid the cliff that's looming out there.

It's that Time Again

Fall is in the air and I've already had several people ask me about our Halloween plans this year. Yes, of course I already have a plan. And this year, it's out of this world. We're all going to be aliens.

I thought about being all mysterious and not giving up the details, but playing the tease was never really the way I rolled. I tend to be all in, or it at least laying out the playing rules before we get started. I like people to know where they stand, to have realistic expectations.

Trouble has been pretty seriously into Ben Ten. For those of you who are not the parents of seven-year-old boys, Ben Ten has a special watch, an Omnitrix, that allows him to change into different alien forms. It's a pretty cool cartoon, at least as cartoons go, in my opinion. I can sort of stand Ben Ten and also Scooby Doo and Tom and Jerry, if you get my drift. So not surprisingly, Trouble expressed an interest in being an alien this year, a Ben Ten alien specfically. And then I happened upon the most adorable Stitch costume in a second-hand shop. And hence my inspiration - we would all be aliens for Halloween. LT will be Stitch. Trouble will be Heat Blast, the only Ben Ten alien costume they seem to make. Then I started pondering alien costumes for Blackstone and myself. Blackstone took me no time at all. Cross my husband with an alien and what do you get? Why, Mork from Ork of course. What else? And so I've assembled a Mork costume for him. It involved lots of red, a wig and silver spray paint.

But then, what should I be? I considered Mork's counterpart, Mindy, but she didn't seem much fun. I considered Mystique from X-Men, that would be a totally cool costume, but not exactly easy to replicate, and she's not actually an alien but a mutant. Honestly, I was totally perplexed about a do-able woman's alien costume. I was planning some generic female alien with blue hair, was thinking maybe some antenna, until I let the women in my book club in on my Halloween costume concept. They hesitated not a moment before stating that I should of course be a Cone Head. What a novel idea! Truly. So just yesterday I purchased myself a Cone Head.

And there you have it - Heat Blast, Stitch, Mork and a Cone Head. Yeah, that seems about right.

Work, Work, Work

I started my new job this week and I really haven't had a chance to think about much else. It's been all about balancing the new job and somehow finding a schedule that will work. It's a small company, about seventy people. That's still considerably larger than the company I've worked for for the past eight years. At times, it's just been two full timers, me being one and my boss being the other. I have to punch a time clock again. I haven't punched a clock in over a decade. Blackstone counters that when I was teaching, the bells were kind of like a clock. I guess they were, sort of. Difference was, if I wasn't there when the bell rang, everyone in the room was pretty happy about it and going to do their best to hide it. And that was still almost ten years ago now.

My immediate supervisor seems like he's alright, though. I think much of the corporate whoo-ha is more for the manufacturing workers than the office staff. I'll be able to work from home on Tuesday afternoons, an exception that they don't usually make. I can't make it in most mornings until 9:30, so that leaves me working after hours, most people are out at 4:30. I'm also going to be monitored much more closely than I'm used to. I'm not about to start blogging from my work computer. Before it was never much of an issue, even now, I think it shouldn't make much difference if that's what I want to do at lunch. But still, I'm not comfortable with it. Maybe I will be at some point, maybe not. Also have to work at separating my work and private email. That's never been much of an issue before either.

It's not all bad, though. The company's been one of our clients for over a year now, and I know and get along with some of my co-workers already. It's only a ten minute commute from my house, can't beat that. And I'm going to get some on the job training and build on my skill set, which I'm really looking forward to. And just to remind me what a small world this is, particularly what a small state this is, when I went in to fill out paper work in HR, the woman sitting across from me was one of my former students. Yes, unfortunately, I am that old. Just barely. I taught high school, remember?

So to answer the question you really want answered - will the new job interfere with the blogging? I can't make any promises. It's not going to be as easy when I'm barring myself from my work computer. On the other hand, here I am again. I'm obviously an addict. It's not a habit I think I could kick very easily even if I wanted to. It's like going through withdrawal not being able to at least peruse my favorite blogs and post an update during the day. Oh well, I'll have to find some way to adjust, and so will you, my dear readers. But I'll still be here . . . just not quite so often. Maybe a little distance, say eight or nine hours apart, will be good for us.