The Left Side of the Moon

To Flu Shot or Not to Flu Shot

This is my pediatrician's stance on the flu shot.

The flu season and the unusual occurrence of so much flu illness in the summer has brought a lot of issues to the forefront. Pandemic preparation, health dept. preparation, and the media blitz while necessary and helpful, they create a level of anxiety that is not always so helpful.

I want you to know how grateful I am to have patients who maintain their focus and realistically evaluate their risk and alternatives. I will have the flu vaccine in the next 10 days and the H1N1 when it is released for anyone in a high risk group especially those with a chronic medical condition.

I just want to share some observations that relate to flu and viruses in general to help you make a decision, I hope, about getting the vaccines for your children. While all viruses are obviously infectious I think it is likely that because they are DNA/RNA they can be released out of our own cell structure under certain stresses. Herpes viruses like cold sores release sporadically. Chronic mono becomes active disease like chronic fatigue syndrome when the EBV virus is activated. Different stresses seem to activate and even cause new viruses. Getting chilled causes some to catch a cold .Sleeplessness decreases our immune strength, etc. In the past viruses seemed to have a season of increased activity, indicating weather plays one part in allowing a virus to take hold. Chicken pox and hand, foot and mouth disease used to be spring viruses. Diarrheal disease was mostly in the summer; cold and flu viruses were mostly winter viruses. With weather patterns changing things are shifting and flu appeared more this spring and summer than usual. I think we probably had H1N1 as early as April and May before reports of spread from Mexico. Certainly the flu-like symptoms of cases then were similar to those seem later.Viruses do tend to change or mutate. However, they still follow the trend that the elderly, the very young, those with a chronic medical condition are more susceptible to complications.  Because H1N1 was primarily a summer virus it might be too soon for it to mutate or do whatever it needs to do to become more active in the winter also. This is just a guess, but it doesn’t matter because there will be some other strain we still have to deal with anyway. People not in a high risk and even those who are but maintain a healthy lifestyle and diet weather the flu better. Adding the right homeopathic remedy adds to the success rate greatly.

I know it’s a small number but some people who get the flu vaccine get a bad reaction. This actually follows the homeopathic principal-if the vaccine is too strong or concentrated for some they get flu symptoms. Some of these reactions have been very significant with a downturn in a patient’s health for some time. Again this is a small percentage but I’m just uncomfortable recommending something when I can’t predict who it might affect adversely. If there were no other alternative it would be different.

With these latest outbreaks of regular and H1N1 flu, homeopathy has been just as effective as in the past. So, I feel homeopathy is still a viable safer alternative. Just like the standard flu vaccine not being perfect, neither is homeopathy, but at least it doesn’t cause any problems and it still works very well most of the time. I heard a tv interview with a man from the village in Mexico targeted as the epicenter of the original spread.  He reported arm, back leg bone pain 6 weeks after the onset. These are some of the symptoms of the remedy Eupatorium and indeed that helped a lot of patients this summer along with other remedies, such as China, Phytolacca, Gelsemium and Mercurious Vivus.

Oscillococcinum is a homeopathic remedy made from a patient who had the flu-the same idea as the regular vaccine but made homeopathically. So, you could proactively give it or Influenzinum(another brand of the same idea)1/wk or every other week at the beginning of the season and maybe 2/wk if there is a lot of exposure like at school or day care. Some people feel given 2/day during a case of the flu it helps get rid of it as well. Also keep on hand the above remedies. They can be used to treat according to the specific symptoms (see attachment).If you know from me if there is a remedy that seems to be helping the most with current active cases you can help prevent them by using those remedies in a 200c 1-2/wk.Remember Oscillococcinum dose is 15-20 pellets not the whole vial and remedies can be obtained at your health food store or  NE Homeopathic at 1-800-551-3611. 

Hope this is helpful---Dr.K

I can't see chasing something down that I'm still not sure about.  I am giving the whole family Oscillococcinum once a week.

Contemplating My Armpits

Do you ever feel like the universe is trying to tell you something? The same unusual topic coming up repeatedly in your life in the course of a week? I'm not a superstitious person, but logic rather defies just chalking repeated happenings up to coincidence. I'm not watching for signs, but I will start to notice when bludgeoned over the head with them.

I sweat like a fat Italian. Now, I am part Italian, just an eighth, and certainly not exactly thin. But it's never mattered how in-shape I was. I sweat. ALOT. I get it from my dad, which is not where I get the Italian. Silk blouses are absolutely out of the question. Even cotton blend blouses can be embarrassing. I get huge sweat marks if I overheat the tiniest bit. We're talking sitting at a desk, people. No physical exertion required. And I get those lovely yellow stains after a few wearings. Stain remover doesn't help a bit with those. Before the breast reduction, I couldn't hardly wear a blouse anyway. It'd either be several sizes too big and make me look enormous, or it'd pop around the buttons. Now that my boobs aren't a problem, I can wear the blouse, but have to worry about sweat marks and stains. Yuck. I've been thinking there's got to be a better way of dealing with this.

How exactly my hair dresser and I landed on the subject of deodorant a week ago, I'm not sure. She uses an all-natural product, aluminum free, from Whole Foods. I'm not thrilled with my deodorant. Never really have been, and I've shopped around. Currently, I've been using one of those "prescription strength" numbers. I'm not impressed. It's way more expensive than the "regular" and doesn't seem to be doing much for me. After our conversation, I decided to try one of the natural varieties. I've always rather thought that seeing the most powerful (according to marketing ploys, which are more than dubious) didn't do much for my way-too-frequently-sweat-soaked pits, that the natural brands would be like using nothing. At this point, I'm willing to give it a shot. I bought Trader Joe's brand, unscented with cotton for absorption. Not sure about the unscented thing. My hair dresser says I should just drink pineapple juice to keep my sweat smelling sweet. Right now, it's much more rank than sweet. Too bad chocolate doesn't help with that. I got nothing against pineapple juice, so I might as well give that a shot too. As far as the sweating, I'm undecided. Definitely not any worse, but I'm not sure that it's better, either.

So a few days after my trip to the hair dresser, Blackstone tells me he's thinking of using an all-natural deodorant. Something aluminum-free. I explain to him how strange this is, seeing I've just switched. He still seems to be contemplating what he's going to try. Guess we're going to be getting use to some new smells around here.

Just to drive the point home, in case I'd somehow missed it, I picked up the latest issue of Mental Floss, Blackstone's favorite, which has an article dedicated to deodorant this month. The universe must have missed the fact that I've already purchased the all-natural deodorant, but I appreciate its persistence on my behalf none-the-less. But I did learn something interesting about this darn aluninum deodorant. It's not my sweat turning my shirt underarms yellow, it's the aluminum in the deodorant. Maybe this isn't news to the rest of you, but it's certainly news to me. What the hell is up with that?!! Why would anyone buy your average deodorant once they knew that? I can guarantee you this, whether I like this particular deodorant enough to stick with it or not, there will be no more aluminum deodorant for me. I may or may not be able to resolve my sweat and odor issues, but if that's all it takes to keep my shirt pits from turning yellow, that's a huge incentive for me to go all-natural. Maybe I should just start rubbing cinnamon under there like the Egyptians used to do. I bet it freakin' worked better than our "prescription strength" which likely has extra aluminum and is probably ruining my shirts even faster. Newer is not always better.

What Ails Me

I have this theory about physical ailments. They don't so much as go away, as transform into something else.

The first really awful physical ailment I was plagued with was urinary tract infections. If I haven't hit triple digits with the damn things, it's got to be damn close. They started when I was seventeen and became sexually active. It's a bit uncomfortable living at home, being on your parents' insurance, and having to get treated for them ALL THE TIME. My dad said to me one day, "You have another one of those damn things. I have two words for you - Oral Sex." If I could have died right there on the spot, it really might have seemed like a viable option.

They were a constant problem until I was twenty-three and pregnant. I developed an allergy to sulfa drugs from being on them too much. I can do a clean catch in my sleep. I know all about wiping front to back and peeing before and after sex. Cranberry juice is useless. You're much better off with cranberry supplements and drinking gallons of water, save yourself the calories. I still take cranberry supplements by the handful when I've been more active than usual. I knew immediately when they put Uristat over-the-counter."'What is Uristat?", you may be asking. It's a medication that numbs your bladder and takes away what can be the searing, unbearable pain of a UTI. It also turns your waste all shades of psychedelic. Though, be warned, your lab test will have to be sent out if you take Uristat before doing your clean catch. It taints the results. You can use Advil in a pinch. It may help you feel like you're not going to die, but it's no where near as good as Uristat.

Women have many varied reactions to UTI's. Some can have one and not even be aware of it. They experience none of the pain, burning, and downright misery. "Lucky, bitches," you may be thinking. But really, not so much. If left untreated, a UTI will likely develop into a kidney infection, and that will definitely be painful and is much more serious. I am not one of those women. Within hours, I would be curled in the fetal position crying. And that's with three advil and drinking water and  swallowing cranberry supplements until my insides swooshed and one more sip was bound to have me heaving. All this would have to be borne until Monday morning, because UTI's are not deemed a medical emergency and your insurance will not cover it. Yes, I speak from experience here.

After years of dealing with this chronically, and I mean practically every month, I went to a urologist. He did an ultrasound of my bladder and kidneys and found nothing wrong. Some women, particularly short women, are just prone. I was put on long-term, low-dose antibiotics. It worked. I stayed on them for two years. I went off when I found out I was pregnant. I was told I could stay on them if I wanted to, but I opted not to. I had, of course, been told, that for many women, having a baby is the cure for chronic UTI's. No one's exactly sure why that is, but something about the physical and/or hormonal changes your body goes through can cure you of them. This, was blessedly true in my case. I've only had about two since getting pregnant with Trouble. Honestly, had I known, 100% for sure, that that would be the case, Trouble might have been born years early. Going through nine months of morning sickness, back problems, headaches, hemorrhoids, exhaustion, the trauma of delivery - it was so worth it just to rid myself of those damn infections.

But. You knew that was coming, right? B U T . . . in the past year or so, I seem to have developed a new chronic infection - sinus infections. I'm on about my fifth in a year's time. I've always had problems with allergies - sneezing, stuffy, runny nose, itchy eyes. Now I have much less of that, but congestion with a terrible post-nasal drip that keeps developing into an infection. And for anyone who hasn't experienced the joy that is a sinus infection, it doesn't just mean your nose hurts. Your head, your cheeks, your nose, your entire body hurts. It can feel much like the flu, complete with body aches, sore throat, fever and chills. This is in spite of the Flonase, Claritin, Saline Spray, Vitamin C and Echinacea. I'm now on my fifth Z-pack in about a year. This doesn't bode well. Another year or two and you'll be able to add that allergy to penicillin and sulfa drugs. So I've been googling for other alternatives. And now, wait for it . . . I've started drinking water mixed with Apple Cider Vinegar. It certainly does seem to clear the sinuses a bit, I have to say. And it's probably safer than my first home remedy trial which was to spray vodka up my nose. You'd think that would kill the bacteria, wouldn't you? I'm really not sure which was more unpleasant. Seriously, I'm starting to feel desperate over here. I'm also considering various methods of irrigation, ever heard of a neti pot? And, yes, I'm working on a referral to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist. Though, if all they have to offer is surgery, forget it. I'd rather try pushing a baby out my nose.

Woman Problems

I got some rather lovely news yesterday. My pap-smear came back abnormal and positive for HPV, and I have to go in next week for a colposcopy. Joy, freakin' joy.

HPV, you probably know, is very common in women, and while some high-risk strains can cause cervical cancer if left untreated, there are also low-risk strains. It can also cause genital warts. Ugh! Please spare me that degradation. I have yet to find out what strain I have, and regardless, I have a pap done every year, like I'm supposed to, and this is the first time I've had one come back abnormal, so it shouldn't be a big deal. If you haven't been in for one yet this year, they're actually adding an HPV test to the process, and if you test clear, then you don't need a pap for three years.

A friend of mine and my sister have both had abnormal pap-smears, small procedures to deal with the specific problems, and it wasn't really a big deal. By the age of 50, 80% of all women have contracted some form of HPV. In my case, it must have been lying dormant in my system for some 15 years or more. I've been with my husband for quite some time now. It was rather surprising to me because he's been the only partner I've had intercourse with, but the virus can be passed by simply skin to skin contact, so that's not the only way to get it.

If you've been lax about getting your yearly pap, get your butt in gear. I really thought I was past any risk for STD's at this point in my life. I honestly would have put myself in the lowest possible risk group.

This probably means just scheduling more frequent paps until I get one that comes back normal again. So basically, another small stress added to my life to worry about and more appointments to keep track of. Sometimes being a girl just isn't fun.

Yoga (or Sometimes Laughable Impossibility)

I've mentioned now and again that I'm a yoga fan. I've been to some classes at the local Y, and Blackstone and I were doing a rather intense heated yoga class a few years back, right up until I broke my ankle. Since then I haven't done much in the way of group exercise period. For the last couple of years, most of my exercise has been done at home. When it's nice, sometimes I walk at lunch. Sometimes I'll even do the gym at lunch, but I don't want to take the time to shower and do the hair and make-up again, so I try to keep the intensity down when I do that. It's not my favorite way to work out, just too inconvenient.

These days, I usually work out before or after work, sometimes on the weekend mornings. We have a cross trainer in the bedroom, so sometimes I just do that while I'm watching TV. I also have hand weights and yoga mat. I'll record various exercise programs and do those, you know, change it up a bit. You can find just about any kind of exercise show on TV - aerobics, kick-boxing, yoga, belly dancing, hip-hop routines, step, pilates. I've been recording some of Namaste Yoga programs. They're a half hour and most of them are pretty do-able. Now, there are all different types and levels of yoga. I suppose I'm rather intermediate. I know a good deal of the common poses, my strength and flexibility is moderate. I cannot do hand stands or splits. Luckily, Namaste Yoga doesn't do too much of this. Though this morning they wanted me to stand in a modified tree position with one foot tucked up at my hip, then crouch forward touching the floor (already I'm stuck not being able to reach the floor, because the tightness in my hips is a major reason I do yoga in the first place, a rather common problem for women as they age, especially after having children). Then I'm supposed to lean forward, put my knees on my elbows and balance on my hands. I can't imagine how much yoga I'd have to do to get myself to this level. Probably way more than I ever intend on doing.

I want to stay flexible and strong, try to avoid loss of bone density, ward off weight gain. I'm not sure I need to be able to balance on my hands at this point in my life. At the moment, I couldn't do it if my life depended on it. And I'd probably do my body a great deal more harm than good.

What's Your Sign?

I finished Embracing Your Big Fat Ass last night and the end of the book has a chapter on astrology. Basically it's a tongue-and-cheek explanation of how your zodiac sign plays into the size of your ass. Now, I don't put a great deal of stock into astrology to begin with, and obviously this book is meant for fun. It is about some serious issues, mind you. Health, fitness, obesity, eating disorders - these topics are no joke. However, if you can't have some sense of humor about the size of your ass, learn to accept it and that there is definitely more to life than obsessing about it, well, then I guess your either a skinny little bitch or stuffing some very uncomfortable feelings.

I'm a Scorpio born on the cusp of Sagittarius, because I was born on the last day of Scorpio. This is the extent of my knowledge on the subject. I have no idea if the sun was rising when I was born or what happens when Mars enters my horizon or whatever. I don't really care. Scorpio is the sex sign. It governs the reproductive system and sexual organs. (I suppose it's not like this is entirely at odds with me.) So, every horoscope or explanation of my sign always relates to sex. According to Embracing Your Big Fat Ass, Scorpios are much more interested in sex and sensual pleasure than with food. I'm not exactly sure my ass supports their theory. It would honestly depend on my mood at the given time, whether I would choose food over sex, and also upon what food we're talking about. I couldn't have both at once. That's just messy. One of those things much better left to porn and fantasy than reality. But I'm sure any astrologer worth their salt would tell you that not being entirely driven by sex has something to do with me carrying some Sagittarius traits because I'm born on the cusp, or that Venus was in the wrong place for me at that moment. I bet it had a lot more to do with how much sleep I got the night before, how much of a pain of the ass my kids were that day, and whether the amount of stress I was managing at the given time was a slow trickle or a deluge.

The book's explanation of Scorpio women describes us a she-devils, more interested in kissing than appetizers and sex than entrees, the type of woman who devours her man. Last time I checked I hadn't bitten off my husband's head praying-mantis-style after copulating, but that must be the Sagittarius in me.

I have to admit though, there are those aspects of astrology that make you wonder if there's isn't a little something to it. Blackstone's a Pisces, and we're a zodialogical match made in heaven. And the physical description on Wikipedia, "In appearance Scorpio is well proportioned, strong in body, muscular, slender, with a broad face and a commanding look. Their eyes are their strong point. Their gaze is often considered "hypnotic, piercing, and imperial"," I suppose that fits except for the slender part. Why does everyone seem to think I'm not interested in food? And the qualities, "Scorpio is considered highly passionate, imaginative, determined, persevering, inflexible and self-confident," yes, I would definitely use all of these words to describe myself. I'm also supposed to be fiercely loyal and deeply committed to relationships of all kinds, that fits too.

According to Wikipedia:

Likes: activity, mysteries, secrets, sex, winning, being acknowledged, strategy

Dislikes: being analyzed, being asked personal questions, people who know more than they do, too many compliments, having to trust a stranger

Suitable Occupations: Anything involving deep analysis, investigation, research or the solving of mysteries, such as detective, scientist, researcher, market analyst

Yes, in fact, most of that fits. Except I'm not really into secrets. And who doesn't like winning and being acknowledged? The suitable occupations is eerily correct though. They do everything but list programmer. Perhaps I should have consulted an astrologer or had my tea leaves read before getting a degree in education.

I love this associated trait, "calm but seething," oh, that is sooo me.

More Than You Ever Wanted to Know About My Ass

I know there was a time in my adolescence when I wasn't comfortable with my body. And there have been several times since, like the year or so following  each of my pregnancies when I felt fat and like my weight was out of my control. But by and large, I've been comfortable with my ass since I was a teenager.

I've been reading Embracing Your Big Fat Ass, courtesy of Bookgirl. It's a very comical read and its got a great message. It's not about condoning morbid obesity or anything crazy like that, but is about self-acceptance and self-esteem. You must have that first and foremost. If you can accept yourself, love your body, then chances are, keeping yourself in a healthy state will follow. It's not important that you be a size 2, probably not even healthy or reasonable. It is important that you take care of yourself. A message it would seem many women could use to hear these days. You watch the news today and it looks like most of us have gone to one extreme or another, insanely starving ourselves or vomiting in the name of beauty and fashion, or throwing in the towel and gorging on greasy take-out and chips and cookies by the bag, washed down with a 2 liter of Coke. Again, I'll insert my constant message of finding the middle ground here. I swear it applies to everything and every situation.

I could not agree with BFAB's (Beautiful Fat Ass Babes) Laura Banks and Janet Barber more on their view of diets. What we do to ourselves in our quest to become thin has nothing to do with being healthy. Starving yourself to the point of passing out, binging and purging, maniacal exercising - there's nothing healthy about it. And you'd be hard pressed to find a woman these days who hasn't at some point subjected herself to some form of this torture trying to lose weight. I remember fasting for periods in high school. There were weeks when I only ate once a day. I tried purging once with ipecac. Once was enough for me, Bulimia was definitely not my thing. I found myself vomiting with a group of friends on a golf course. Yes, a golf course. I don't know what the hell we were doing there. The scary thing to me is not that I did this, but that I think it's rather normal for a girl to experiment with such measures for managing her weight these days. At this point in my life, I refuse to enter the hunger stage that is the headache, which most diets would require of me. I'm sure you know that stage. It's past the hunger pains, past the point where the hunger pains have subsided, and that's when the headache starts to set in. You're blood sugar is dropping, you're tired and cranky and hungry, yet not hungry anymore. You can't really think all that clearly. I don't have the time or energy for putting myself through that anymore. It's just not healthy and I need all the energy I can muster to get through the day. Honestly, just have a snack already. Just don't let it be a donut or a candy bar.

The funny thing about me is, that with all the struggle I've had with my weight, I've never really had a self-esteem problem. I've always thought I had a great ass. A big ass, no doubt, but a nice round one. There is the running story in my family that there must be black genes in our family history somewhere, because the backside some of us sport, well, it's just not a white booty. Blackstone and I were watching Hustle and Flow after it came out on DVD. The opening scene is a bunch of strippers back stage, naked or mostly naked. And Blackstone turned and said to me, "Gee, you really do have a black ass." Yeah, tell me something I don't know. But I consider it a blessing, not a curse. Black women do have the best asses, well, them and Hispanic women, in my opinion.

I know that I do suffer from a bit of body dysmorphia. I look in the mirror and I see what I want to see. Some women suggest not using a scale and just judging by how your clothes fit to see if you're eating too much. I can't do that. I have to step on a scale. I will ignore the way my clothes fit. I will look in the mirror and I will not see what is actually staring back at me. This is true when I lose weight too. The only reality check for me besides the scale, is pictures. I look at pictures of myself at my heaviest and my lightest and it's hard for me to remember being that size, that person. Because that has never been the person I saw in the mirror.

At 5'3" and size 12, that puts me about smack dab in the middle of average when it comes to size in this country. A little short maybe, and that's always been a thorn in my side. I couldn't even be a plus size model because I'm too short (not that I ever wanted to be a model, plus size or otherwise, but still, that doesn't mean I don't want to have the option). And there ain't a damn thing I can do about that. Couldn't be a Rockette either, and no amount of dieting is going to make me taller. And is 12 considered plus size or isn't it? Because I've never really been clear on that one. But honestly, don't even bother, because what's a size 12 in one clothing line is no 12 in another. In some lines I'm a 10, in others a 14. In every line, everything is too long. And a petite section that didn't look like it was entirely designed for little old women, that would be nice. I just have everything altered.

Polly, What You Won't Miss

Polly, is understandably a bit jittery about her looming surgery on Friday. Now Polly and I have discussed the drawbacks and advantages of this surgery to death, seeing that I already had a breast reduction two years ago. One of the best things I ever did for myself. It's not like I've never had a headache or sore shoulders since the surgery, but it is worlds better. While I still struggle with back pain, it's no longer exascerbated by the weight dragging me forward. The pregnancies resulted in three rotated discs and an exaggerated curvature of the spine. I spent the last two trimesters of my second pregnancy and several months afterward in physical therapy. I will always have to be careful when lifting and bending, make sure I stretch and exercise properly, and I still see a physical therapist/accupuncturist once a month. I've tried giving that up, but it doesn't seem to be an option. Anyway, Polly, you're going to feel a huge weight has been lifted off your shoulders, literally.

And just to remind you of why you're putting yourself through all this, here are some things you won't miss about being overly endowed.

1. The feat of finding a bathing suit that actually fits.
2. Spending a fortune for bras that are not even all that pretty.
3. Wearing two sports bras while you exercise.
4. The gaping buttons of your blouse that making wearing one practically impossible.
5. The deep rivets in your shoulders at the end of the day, despite the expensive bra.
6. The former elusiveness of spaghetti straps or strapless tops and dresses.
7. That pain between your shoulder blades that you know feels precisely like someone has stabbed a knife back there, even though you've never actually experienced what if feels like to be stabbed.
8. Having to be extremely careful when getting dressed up for a night on the town, not to look like a porn star.
9. The daily curse that is gravity on overly large objects.
10. Having to wear a bra to bed (Which is something I never actually did, but most big-breasted women do. Though I couldn't so much as make breakfast without needing to put one on.)
11. The sweat and itchiness of tender, irritated skin in the summer heat.
12. Complete strangers who think that it is their right to stare at your chest, like you're not even there.
13. The horror of realizing the top that looked sexy-but-not-too-revealing when you put it on at home, has taken on a whole other look once your breasts have had their way with it for a few hours.
14. The almost laughable quality most lingerie takes on when you try to squeeze your boobs into it.
15. The way a demi-bra basically disappears once you've put it on.
16. The end of an 18 hour day when you can't possibly get comfortable, and can't decide which is the lesser of the two evils - to take the bra off or leave it on.
17. The absolute necessity of underwire. (I remember when I was nursing, it was recommended that you not wear underwire bras. They do actually make them, thank goodness, because that would have been a deal breaker for me.)
18. The way the underwire always pops out of the seam and stabs you in the armpit after a few months.
19. The highly deluded women who are jealous of what you consider a jail sentence.
20. Being constantly referred to in the male world as, "You know, the one with the big boobs."

So Polly, every time you start to get nervous, think about all the things you won't be missing. Good Luck! Here's wishing you a quick and almost painless recovery.

Weighing In

I hate to talk about my weight. Not only when I've gained, but just generally hate to talk about it because I am so much more than what the scale says when I step on it. I've had numerous people comment about my weight lately. I finally feel like I'm getting my body back. Everyone from a woman I worked with a decade ago, my sister, and my mother-in-law have brought it up. My mother-in-law particularly seems determined to figure out how I've done it for some reason, not that the woman needs any weight loss secrets. She cornered Lissfull at one of the kids' birthday parties to ask her how I was losing the weight. I'm not sure what she expected to hear, "Yes, Diosa's taken up coke, but just until she reaches her goal weight."

I refuse to diet. I think the entire concept of dieting and weight loss in this country is fundamentally flawed. It causes men and women both, to have unhealthy attitudes toward food, their body image and their self-esteem. I was placed on Weight Watchers by my pediatrician, or rather, temporary pediatrician, when I was twelve. He labeled me as obese. Talk about crushing a young girl's self esteem. I'd never been thin, but obese? So I started on Weight Watchers and started losing weight. Everything went fine for a while, but after a few months I stopped losing. The pediatrician told my mother I must be cheating, but I wasn't. They restricted my caloric intake further. I was hungry. I still didn't cheat. I still couldn't lose anymore weight. I don't remember exactly how long I spent on Weight Watchers, somewhere in the vicinity of six months to a year. And while I did put some of the weight back on, it's not like at any time my weight was seriously out of control. At least not in my opinion.

Several years later, my mother took me to another doctor to have my height analyzed. I am four inches shorter than my sister and nine inches shorter than my brother. At 5'3" on a day after I've done yoga and stand my straightest, I do not have short genes. My height was stunted while I was on Weight Watchers. What the damn pediatrician or one of the counselors at Weight Watchers should have considered, is that a pudgy twelve-year-old girl could be getting ready to go through a growth spurt. A growth spurt that never happened because I wasn't eating enough to grow.

This does not mean I eat anything I want and ignore extra pounds. I do not use my height or my previous experience as an excuse for my weight. Maybe I'd be four inches taller, maybe I wouldn't. Doesn't do me much good to know either way now. If anything, it just means I have to work a little harder at it.

While I was in college, I spent several years teaching aerobics, and was physically in the best shape of my life. I got down to a size 8. The smallest I'd been ever. I ate very carefully. Lots of salad and grilled chicken. And I worked out an average of 7 hours/week. Not to mention the 30+ hours I spent waiting tables. And still, I was NEVER the thinnest girl in the room. But that didn't mean I wasn't the one with the best figure. Yeah, no self-esteem issues here.

Obviously, I don't have the kind of time to devote to working out that I did before I had kids. I get in about 3 hours/week usually. But when I'm sick, the kids are sick, we're moving, or there's some other stress sucking up my time, it might be not at all. And with the foods kids like to eat, it's easy to pop fatty, calorie-ridden food in your mouth without even realizing you've done it. Eating right and exercising takes vigilance, planning, and a lot of self-control. I do pretty well at it most of the time, but then there are those days . . . I know you know those days. The days when all self-control goes out the window. When you didn't have time to eat a proper lunch and now you're home and stuffing yourself with chips or whatever was the first thing you could grab. Or when you just don't have the energy to care. When you'd just as soon someone take a gun and put you out of your misery, as put down the chocolate.

But through all the years I've struggled with my weight, which is basically since I was twelve, or even earlier than that, I've learned that dieting is not where its at. The whole concept of a diet, where you deprive yourself for a period of time and then at some point stop and go back to eating like before, it doesn't work. We're completely inundated with diet ads, weight loss pills, the best new thing that's going to make you thin - and it's all a bunch of crap. The woman who trained me to teach aerobics, she was this tiny English woman, and she said something to me once about weight loss that's always stayed with me. It's there in the back of my mind every time I see an ad for a new weight loss drug or miracle program. She was talking to a number of us in the training program, many of us interested in losing some weight, and she told us, "There is only one way to lose weight." And I'm listening intently to what amazing secret she must have to offer us, because obviously she's figured it out. "You have to burn more calories than you take in," she told us. And it was sort of eye-opening for me. I mean, we all fundamentally know this. It's basic science, but somehow we still buy into all these crazy weight loss promises. So whatever the new hype is, the new diet craze, I always come back to that - There's only one way to lose weight - Burn more calories than you take in.

I don't mean to knock anyone who is dieting, because if you need some structure or support in losing weight, by all means, go out and get it. And if there is one weight loss program that does make sense to me, it is Weight Watchers. Because they'll teach you about appropriate portion size, about where those calories that are landing on your thighs are coming from. I still remember and apply the tools I learned at Weight Watchers more than fifteen years ago. And it's easy in our society where everything is super-sized, and it seems everyone's having a grande cappuccino with whip cream and muffin for breakfast, to not know where those calories are coming from. Bottom line is - everything you put in your mouth adds up.

But you're never going to be done eating healthy. It has to be a life-long commitment. I run into people that I haven't seen in fifteen years, and I'm not going to lie, there's some satisfaction when you see the former size 2 cheerleader has an ass bigger than yours now. But this is where I have the advantage. Because while other women find themselves all of the sudden struggling with their weight, I have years of experience on them. I have the weight management thing down. Losing those last ten pounds I want off, well I still haven't managed to do that. And while I'll keep working at it, a little bit at a time, I know it's not the most important thing in my life. I'm happy and I'm healthy. My weight does not get in the way of me living my life. My cholesterol and all that was so good from my check-up last year, they didn't even run any this year. I seem to be doing something right.

You shouldn't be put off by the life-long commitment either. It's a commitment to yourself, to your health, happiness and physical and mental well-being. When you're eating right and exercising, you just feel better. Your clothes fit better, you expel the stress and toxins from your body, you feel that great endorphin rush, and you can just move, sleep and breathe easier. Time is your friend. If you just keep at it, work it a little every day, you can find your rhythm.

So that's it.  That's my secret. I'll never be a size 2,  but I'm perfectly okay with that.

Decisions, Decisions

I've been contemplating on bringing up the topic of Autism for a while. It's not exactly the first topic I've written on that's controversial and makes people uncomfortable. I've written about religion, politics, Wal-Mart, sex - all of which can lead to very heated discussion. But I think that because Autism is on the rise, for reasons largely unknown and currently under a great deal of debate, and because we're talking about decisions we're making regarding our children, that this is perhaps the most sensitive topic I've brought up. There is probably nothing a mother works harder for, than to raise her child to be a happy and healthy adult. I don't really know a great deal about Autism, but I do know that raising awareness and money for research into the potential causes, as well as treatments and hopefully a cure, is extremely important.

In reading the comments everyone has made regarding Autism, it makes me reflect on how difficult it is to be a parent and be responsible for making decisions regarding your child's health and well-being. Honestly, I wouldn't say I put a great deal of time and energy into my decision to stall the MMR vaccine for my kids. I talked with my pediatrician, did a little reading, discussed it with my husband - and that was it. If I'd had a different pediatrician, my choice would not necessarily have been the same. And now I'm wondering if in vaccinating LT, I should request individual doses of the vaccine, which I know my pediatrician would happily order for me. Because I know there's no right or wrong answer here, and my opinion on the course of action I will take changes daily as new information becomes available and as I am exposed to new opinions and paths that other parents have taken.

Being a parent and the multitude of decisions it requires is very overwhelming. The choice to vaccinate, or how to go about vaccinating, it's only one of the endless choices I make for my boys every day. Choices that started before they were born and will continue until their adulthood, and arguably until my dying day. And I question whether I have made the correct choices constantly. Was it right that I chose to circumcise them? Many would say it was inhumane and unnecessary. And after witnessing Trouble come back from his hoarse from screaming and LT developing a large blood clot that we were instructed not to touch and let fall off in its own time, I'm not sure I disagree with that assessment. But circumcised my boys are, for better or worse. How hard should I fight with them to get fruits and vegetables into their diets? Because some weeks I'm much better at forcing this on them than others, and lord knows I'm the only one besides their pediatrician who cares right now, and they're not going to get much if I'm not vigilant about it. I'm also lax about giving them vitamins, which I feel guilty about. But it's a pain in the ass and doesn't seem worth it, as I find them spit out and dried to floor after giving them to them. And what about having Trouble on Singulair for his asthma? Dr. H recommended we put him on it, as his asthma would periodically get so bad he'd end up on liquid steroids, and steroids depress the immune system. But now there's information out there that Singulair may cause depression and possibly suicide. I've yet to even talk to our pediatrician about this and Trouble's still currently taking it, as this is often his worse time of year for asthma.

It just seems that there is too much to know, too many decisions to make, and not enough time to make them properly. It doesn't help that the information regarding which choice you should make is often contradictory and confusing. And usually I'm trying to figure out what to do about these things at the end of the day, tired and spent from working, cooking, cleaning, homework, and all the other endless tasks a mother (and father) endures. And even more daunting, I know that in our family, the decision will always be mine to make, as Blackstone is always more than happy to pass that responsibility on to me, and I probably don't know how to let him make it anyway.